Strange and New

I hate this, this feeling when everything is going well, yet for some reason you cannot grasp it. I finally am happy. I am finally over my last relationship. I am free from myself. I see myself the way God does. I am so ready for where God is taking me, even though I am surrounded by uncertainty. I have amazing friends. Even though I am in Israel now, I still feel strange. I am not sure if I even have words to explain this feeling. I watch people on this trip and God is doing wonders in our lives. I am so blessed, I really am. Don't get me wrong, I love being here and I am happy with my life right now.

But I have deep feeling inside of me that is strange and foreign. Maybe it is a combination of weariness and brokenness. Maybe I am overwhelmed by this beautiful land. But I think it is different still. I want more. I want more than what I have settled for back home. This land is mysterious yet beautiful. Wonders beyond my comprehension have happened here. Yet back home I have settle for the mediocrity of America. I am done. I am sick of it. I honestly love America, I do, but the attitude of my people is far from what I want. Even looking at people on this trip, I am aggravated. I see the students on this trip settling for the complacency of their faith rather than learning from the people here. They complain. The couples on this trip seem to only argue. This attitude is beyond draining.

And I remember myself. I have seen a transformation in my life since I have been here. But if I refuse to change my ways back home, than I am a hypocrite. I never want to forget what I have seen or done here...what I have tasted and learned. My attitude must be different. My mouth and tongue must speak love and life rather than condemnation. My eyes must see through His eyes. This feeling is so bizarre to me because I have never before felt this burdened in this way. I am burdened by what I have become. I am burdened by the people around me. I am burdened by everything back home. But these burdens do not rest on my heart but at his feet. It is not a feeling that I lack faith or trust in who God is. But rather, since I have been here, I have learned so much from these burdens and what God is doing. I am finally open. I am finally beautifully broken. I wish I could place within in words all that is running through my mind. It is impossible. All I know is that, because of my pilgrimage to Israel, I am in love with God in a brand new way. I am changing all that I am so that I might glorify Him. That I might honor Him. I trust that he will provide all that I need, however in His time. I know God will bring the right man He has for me when He sees that it is the time. I am no longer troubled by the next year of uncertainty in my life. This feeling is strange and new, but I embrace the beauty of change.

En Gedi

I run.
Broken and scared,
I hide.
I yearn for relief.
For rest.

I try to find peace,
But I am besieged by enemies.
Surrounded
I feel alone.
Weary and dry
this desert is slowly,
bitterly draining this life.

I listen.
Carefully
to the gentle rush of water.
A spring of life is near.
Restore.

Springs of En Gedi revive
the desert is beauty in oasis.
Flourish.
A renewed spirit of breath.
A soft breeze.
Glisten of hope.

I hear the shout of He who is greater.
Fear ceased.
a genesis begins.
On this rock, I sit
Alive.

Promise in the Sky

I had to write this separately. My mind cannot not cease to think about this. The night we stayed at the Bedouin camp was something I needed for some time. I loved everything, yes, but this one thing touched me greater than anything else on this trip thus far. The stars. Why would the stars matter so much when I can see the stars back at home?

I love the stars. I love to star gaze. It is quite simply my favorite thing to do. I think clearly. I pray. I sing songs to God- songs I just make up and sing from my heart. I have seen the night sky in the mountains, in Florida, at home in Jersey, in Colorado, Alaska, and honestly the list goes on. But this time was very different. I walked away, alone, from the Bedouin camp, leaving all behind- my friends, the warmth, the noise. I walked away alone. I walked to the other side of a hill in the desert. It was dark. All around me remained the rocks and sand on the ground, the hills, the chilly air, and the starry night. I could hear off in the distance a soft sound resounding- the camp.

All I could do was gaze. I could do nothing else. I lost track of time, and frankly I didn't care. I needed escape. I needed solitude. I didn't need it because of something bad or anything like that. But what I found was greater. As I stood there, in the middle of the desert, I gazed at the perfect sky. When I say "perfect sky", I mean it. There were no clouds, no pollution, no planes, and no other lights. I could barely see the light from the camp. Over the hills, I could see some light from Jerusalem. I gazed up into the vast unknown. And that is when it all hit me. I was gazing at the stars, in the same place where Abraham had been. At one point in his life, God told Abraham to look up and count the stars. Those stars would be the number of his descendants. I was blown away. All of my years of star gazing, I finally understood something so profound through my experience. God made a promise- a covenant- to Abraham that he would have descendants. Those stars are the constant reminder. Even further, as I stood there in the desert, the world never felt bigger. I, too, have been wanting a promise of something, however it is something unknown. Those stars remind me also of God's promise in my life and what he is going to do. There is such a big world out there full of the promises God has for me. I wept. I cried out to God for all that I know he has for me. Those stars were beautiful, absolutely stunning. Perfect. God has something so beautiful for me too. I need not worry about my future- my husband, job, finances, or anything else. God is promising me something beautiful. I embrace it.

Desert Adventures

The past two days have been days full of adventure and exhaustion. Wednesday we awoke early in order to get to Qumran by a decent hour. At Qumran we saw the caves where the Dead Sea Scrolls were located. It was incredible! There were rifts and canyons everywhere. Somehow the Essenes had been able to get from cave to cave. I can’t even imagine it. Shortly after, we went down to the Dead Sea, where we had some time of relaxation. The Dead Sea, being known for its salt content and mud, was definitely an adventure in itself. On the shore of the water, a thick black mud can be found. The mud was a smooth mud rich in minerals, therefore very good for skin and hair. Most students smoothed the mud to their skin. I actually covered my body and face with mud. After washing it all off, my skin was smoother than ever. The Dead Sea water is over 30% salt- we definitely avoided anything that could cause the water to get into our mouths or eyes. Whether someone could swim or not, anyone can literally float in the Dead Sea. We slowly walked into the water and sat allowing for the water to carry you. It was a fun adventure.

After we all were washed from the Dead Sea mud and salt, we got back onto the bus and headed toward the Bedouin desert. As soon as we got off the bus at the Bedouin camp, we went on a camel ride in the desert. It was such a fun experience! I have never ridden a horse, let alone a camel. I enjoyed it so much! That night we stayed in the Bedouin camp. We experienced their tea [sweet tea!], the coffee [like a rich shot of espresso], their food, and of course staying in a Bedouin tent. Every part of the Bedouin experience was amazing and I would not have changed anything.

The next morning, we awoke up at 4am. I was wide awake, while most of the group was still trying to wake up. I was excited for what was to come. We left the camp by 5am and headed to Mount Masada. Along the way we passed Israeli soldiers- new recruits- on their journey to Masada. Why would they be on their way to a mountain at 5am? New recruits in the Israeli army are required to walk all night from Jerusalem to Mt. Masada [a 3 hour drive] to watch the sunrise and learn the history of that mountain. Masada is known because of various attacks that occurred. It is a constant reminder to Israeli soldiers to fight to the end. As we journeyed on we reached the bottom of Mt. Masada. It was a steep incline- an old ramp used by the Romans. But within an hour we made it to the top. It was such a breathtaking scene. The sun was rising over the mountains in Jordan and glistened on the Dead Sea. The rays shown on the ruins of the fortress on Masada. Weary soldiers were making their way to the top. Birds were beginning to sing. The morning fog was fading. It was a new day; a beautiful day. The hike down was intense- a steep incline called the "snake path". In all, we hiked up 1300 ft and down 1300 ft. We reached the bottom and ate breakfast. Afterwards we went on our desert jeep safari. It was very long! I enjoyed the trek across the desert, but it was chilly and too long.

All in all, the previous two days were amazing. I went to Qumran, the Dead Sea, rode a camel, stayed in a Bedouin camp, climbed Mt. Masada to watch the sunrise, and went on a desert jeep safari. It was a great time.

Disappointed Hopes

Today was a rather disappointing day. Before I go further, I want to you to read everything before making an opinion on what I have to say. If you were to question all of the students on this trip to Israel you would find out some disappointed rests in our minds. As we all signed up for this incredible chance to study abroad in Israel, we were given the sure hopes of staying in a building specifically for Southeastern students. At the end of last semester we even reviewed the blueprints and floor plans of the building. Everything was set. However, plans changed. The week before we left for Israel, we were notified that were unable to stay in our building due to some flooding or something. Honestly, the students have been left in the dark for the most part. For the past 2 weeks students have been some what embittered by the fact that there is a beautiful Southeastern building that we are unable to live in. Meanwhile, we stay in a bed & breakfast with mediocre internet and close living quarters. It is less than comfortable.

Today we celebrated the Grand [not] Opening of the Southeastern University Studies Center. We all walked to the building from our guesthouse with a bit of anger. Honestly, I was one of those students. Entering the building and seeing Dr. Rutland's smiling face didn't help. I was disappointed that we were told that we were staying in the building then that was taken away from us. A huge part of this disappointment is tied with the fact that Dr. Rutland is resigning. Most of the students were filled with aggravation to the situation. To me, it even felt like Southeastern didn't care anymore. It felt like a show. None of the special guests- the Board of Regents or alumni- came up to meet and greet the students actually on the study abroad.

Then God worked in my heart. I realize that, yes, I do not like how Southeastern has dealt with everything. Not at all. However, my attitude hasn't helped anything. I was talking disrespectfully and even ungodly. My attitude was not exemplifying that of Christ. Even further, I realized that while I am here in Israel, I need to make sure I leave a great representation of who Christ is. Regardless if anyone from Israel heard our conversations [whicht they do], I need to make sure that I am not disrespecting or speaking out of line. I want to reflect Christ in spite of things not going my way. That is what I have learned.

A New Found Freedom

The last two days have been rather exhausting yet incredible. Yesterday morning we woke up bright and early to drive to northern Israel. We first went to the church on Mt. Beatitudes followed by other churches. The next part of our journey took us to Galiliee, where we went to a museum and a boat ride on the Sea of Galilee. It was so fun. But even still I was awaiting something more incredible. We ended our touring of Galilee at the Jordan River.

I was blown away. We got to the site for the Jordan River baptisms where we also received a white robe, towel, and a baptism certificate. I am sure to some that this simple idea of baptism means nothing. However, it changed my world forever.

All I could do was think about how I was at the river where Jesus was baptized and where John did his ministry. The very idea of following in the footsteps of Christ is unfathomable. Back in that day, John baptized people for salvation, but Christ got baptized for another reason. He chose to be immersed in waters to reveal the symbolism of his own near death. Going into the water shows the world something significant. As one closes their eyes and takes a deep breath, transformation begins.

I chose to be baptized, however for many reasons. Of course there is the given answer that I wanted to be baptized because Jesus was baptized and it was the Jordan River. Why would I miss that opportunity? But I had another major reason. I have been relying on myself for so long, trying to improve my situations. I think I am capable of doing it myself. A huge part of Christ's ministry was to show everyone how to lose the self. For the first time, I truly understand that now. Because of my pain, my selfishness, my arrogance, or whatever else, I haven't relied on God the way I know I have needed to.

Walking into the water yesterday I began to weep. As my feet entered into the chilly waters of the Jordan, I began to cry. Why would I cry if I am just being baptized? What's the big deal? Honestly, it goes back to my lack of honor and trust in God. Being baptized yesterday was a symbolic event of me dying to this girl I have become and allowing for a brand new awakening to come forth. Coming out of the water, I feel a freedom that is completely foreign to me. I cried still. These tears, for once, were not tears of my own pain or regret but rather tears of an overwhelming peace. This peace gives me a new found freedom and I smile.

The Synagogue

Earlier today our group experienced a new part of Israeli culture- the Orthodox Jewish Synagogue. As we entered into the traditional style synagogue men and women were separated, as usual. But it was even more strict than other sites. The women have to wear dresses or skirts while the men have to wear dress clothes and a kippa. Upon entrance, we departed from each other. The men disappeared into the crowd of other men, while the women went up several staircases to the high balcony. From that moment on, I knew that this service would change so much about my views of men and women.

As I sat in a hard wooden seat in the balcony, I leaned in as much as I could to try to hear the soft voice from below. But I was also distracted by the men staring up the girls from our group. They were not staring out of lust or desire- not even curiosity. The women in the balcony did the same. Upon our group's arrival to this area we have been nothing but Gentiles in the land of the chosen people. At this service I felt "unclean". I was a Gentile.

I tried with so much effort to listen and pay attention to the service, but I had many issues that I dealt with. Aside from the stares of everyone at the service, the location for the women was enough of an issue on its own. The balcony seating for women allows for little to no understanding of the service below on the main level. Kids were like animals running around the balcony while their mothers had not a care in the world. Some women fervently were praying and silently reading the scripture to themselves. However, most women were in the midst of conversation with the women around them. The balcony was high up therefore hearing the rabbi was rather difficult- no microphone was used [it was also only in Hebrew]. The only moments I could actually hear the service and halfway understand what was occurring was when the men below would sing songs which echoed beautifully in the building.

Throughout the entire service, I thought of several things. In 1 Corinthians [several chapters], Paul reverences how women need to remain silent. In today's Christianity, but more specifically because of my current location, Judaism, scriptures such as 1 Cor. 14 have been misinterpreted and used incorrectly. At the synagogue, so much became clear to me. Historically speaking, the reason women were not allowed to speak was for the reason I listed above: women were in higher balconies therefore not a being able to hear clearly what the rabbi was saying as well as the distractions of children. Frankly women were uneducated and had no idea what was occurring and that is why, back then, depending on the setup, women were unable to speak up. Once again, by scripture and now history, my calling as a female preacher is validated. No one can dare tell me otherwise- I know who I am in God.

But even further I sat there wondering even more. Do these women sit here and wish things were different? Are these women captive by the law and their rigid structure or are they captivated by it all? Do they even care because they know nothing else? They survive in this world full of structure. I am not sure what to think. I take this even further. These Jews seem so focused on rules and ritual and yet do they even feel anything? After almost 2 weeks of being here in Israel I know the answer. It would be so hard for me to think that their worship, obedience and discipline would be all in vain. I definitely feel that these Jews, these orthodox believers, love God with their heart and mind. They have a reverence, obedience, and honor for God that I have never seen before, even among Christians. I have learned something so profound here: regardless of ritual or structure, God can meet the needs of those that ask. God does not reside in the law [alone] nor does he remain bound to structure. Even this, I believe, that if these men and women are content in their ways of life, I encourage them to remain obedient and disciplined. If God can meet me in America at some suburban church, God can surely meet these Jews in their synagogue. Just as He hears my prayers, He will hear the prayers of anyone desperate. The veil has been torn, as I saw in the Temple, but the Holy of Holies is still present. I can feel God here so much, in ways I could have never imagined.

I know Jesus said "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to Father except through me." But as I asked earlier, is their worship in vain? I honestly don't think so. I firmly believe Jesus is the Way, but will God accept those that are so devoted to Him [God] without having not accepted Christ? I have no idea. I struggle with this. Jews are the chosen people. So to this I leave up to God entirely. I cannot make a judgment. I pray that their Hebrew songs are a beautiful aroma before God. As God says throughout the scripture, he will restore his people.

Yad Vashem: The Memorial to the Holocaust

Later today, after leaving the Wailing Wall, we headed to Yad Vashem. Yad Vashem is the Holocause Museum on Mt. Herzel. Yad Vashem means "a hand and a name. a hand to help those in need and a name to remember those who are no more". It does not matter how many Holocaust museums and memorials I go to- I still weep everytime. It was very emotional on so many levels. 6 million Jews were killed, 1 1/2 million of them were children. It was so hard for me to grasp today because here I stand, in the land of the Jews God's chosen people, yet 6 million of them were slaughtered in one of the most brutal massacres in history.

Dr. van der Laan said something that meant a lot to me. Before we went there he told us a quote from a conversation between two people. It said "'How can you believe in God after something so terrible?' 'Well how can you believe in man after something so terrible?'" They resounded in my head while walking through the museum. But all I can say after this is never again, never again.

The Wailing Wall

So today I experienced my first visit to the Western Wall of the old Temple. For many people it is commonly known as the "Wailing Wall". The reason for that nickname is rather interesting and something I never actually knew. After years of captivity and pain, the Jews were allowed to mourn for the Temple outside the Temple. Cries of sorrow and heartbreak resounded. Now Israel is its own nation. Jews have their freedom to come to the Western wall of the Temple to pray, to weep, to cry...to wail. For what? For some it is for provision; for others it is for personal healing; for others it is for weeping of things they do not even know.

One must know the layout and setup of the Temple and this specific area to really know the affect it can have on someone. Walking into the side where the Western Wall is, men and women are separated. Men must wear a kippa/yamuka or a hat. Women must be dressed modestly. Walking toward the wall now, men go to the left where they have the freedom to pray, to enter libraries, tunnels, etc. They celebrate bar mitzvas for the boys at age 13 right there by the Wall. That is where those boys are considered men and, for the first time, they can read the Scripture and Law publicly. Women on the other hand, I got a closer look at. The women's section for the Wall is directly on the other side of where the Holy of Holies was located. The Holy of Holies is where the Name [the LORD] dwelt. Only the priest could enter. The women, especially very orthodox Jewish women, pray will such reverence. It was a reverence I have never seen before. They prayed for hours, I am sure. The women would read privately from the books of the Law, or other writings. They would pray at the wall gently placing their hands on the stone. As they leave the Wall, women, rather than turning around to walk away, they back up from the wall. Many of the women went as far as walking backwards to the gate of the women's section. What is the reasoning for walking backward? The women feel that by walking backwards they still honor the LORD in the Holy of Holies- they refuse to turn their back to Him. Both the men and women place pieces of papers, usually rolled like a scroll, into the cracks on the wall. Those papers are never thrown away. When the papers fall from the cracks in the wall, the papers are collected separate from trash, and buried with old Bibles, Scriptures, etc. The Jews strongly feel that they cannot disrespect the name of God. If God's name is written on any paper, they cannot throw it away. Since the papers are not read, all are buried as sacred.

This morning was an opportunity to see a world outside of anything I could have ever known elsewhere. The presence of devotion, dedication, and reverence to the LORD is beyond anything I have seen. What would happen if every Christian prayed to God with the same attitude? With the same reverence? What would happen if we would each have our "wailing wall" and cry before God to meet Him? What would happen if we each recognized the Holy of Holies was nearby and we would refuse to turn our back on it? I leave those answers to you. But I will tell you this: the world would be very different.

First Impression

So here I am sitting in our bed & breakfast in Jerusalem, Israel. We got to Israel around 2pm Israeli time after over 24 hours of traveling. It is so beautiful. The main languages are Hebrew, Arabic, and surprisingly English [though not great English]. To the Arabs we are customers for their markets and the Jews we are Gentiles and need to be avoided. That is a weird concept to me and something I am not used to. It is Shabbat [Sabbath] from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday. We just happen to be staying in the Orthodox Jewish community. In the Arab market today, we saw a fight and two of our girls were asked for marriage. We went to the Jaffa gate and ended at the Damascus Gate of the Old City. When we were lost, the Arabs gave us incorrect directions. We won't be asking them again. Oh and the food so far is incredible! I can't wait to try more! So here is my brief update of the trip.

Tomorrow

I cannot wait. Tomorrow I begin this journey that I have been waiting for. It will be exciting, liberating, and beyond what I could have thought. I am so ready for this. 

so close.

I leave for Israel on Thursday- 4 days away. I am so excited. I feel I am finally getting to the point to see my dream become reality. Its very surreal. I finished reading 6 books in one week...all of which I needed to read for this trip. That were all [mostly] interesting and somewhat challenging on many levels. I can't wait to finally get to Israel to see the things I have read about in books, especially the Bible. The scriptures will become alive in such a new way for me. This journey I am about to embark on is going to change my life. I feel it. I know it. I am ready.

one week.

I leave for Israel in one week. That seems so soon yet so far away! I have a lot of work to do still! But I am so excited! I can't wait!